he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
