So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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