what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
