i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
