worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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