I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
