I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
