and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
