About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
