I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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