Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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