I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
