i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
