When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
