Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
