wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
