yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
