How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
