I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told me they were just razor bumps!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
