well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Someone signed my nipple.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
