we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
worst night to have a conscience
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
