Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is my gift to your gina
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
