wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
