Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
