If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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