I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
