I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
