Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
