HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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