He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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