Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
