Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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