I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
