Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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