i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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