so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
