Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
