having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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