I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
