Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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