a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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