got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
