Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
