Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
