I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I could make wine with my vomit
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
