I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize