It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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