i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
