My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
