Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
