I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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