I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
