just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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