My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
