This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
