k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
