Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
